We can’t change people
We can’t change people and we shouldn’t try. This is such a difficult but important lesson to learn.
People can only change and grow if they have the true desire to do so. So don’t try to fix anyone.
Notice if what you want to change in them is something you need to work on yourself and focus on that.
This looks like:
- What belief that I hold about myself is reinforced by the way I am interpreting this situation?
- Why do I feel this way about this?
- Do I treat myself the way this person treats me?
- Do I still need to learn something about myself in this relationship?
- Where does this fear really come from?
- Etc.
Ambivalence
Opposite emotions towards someone can coexist inside of you and you don’t need to choose how exactly you feel about someone. Accepting the ambivalence of being able to hold contradictory emotions at the same time is tremendously liberating.
- I love you and I also have a lot of anger towards you.
- I love you and I don’t like you.
- I love you and I don’t want to stay in this relationship.
- I love you and I don’t want to spend so much time with you.
- I like you and don’t like the person I am when I’m with you.
You get the idea…
You can still love, like, and respect people and choose not to relate with them the way you have anymore.
Instead of fixating on changing the other, how about accepting them as they are in the present moment? Maybe you can see their potential to be “better” or you might want them to be how they used to be; in any case, this is none of your business. You are your business. You are the one choosing to stay in the relationship and/or to sustain your role as it is (more on relationship patterns in my next blog post).
Your choice!
Every single day we are choosing the relationships we give energy to. We are deciding to stay, to leave… who we want to spend more time with.
The people you spend most of your time with, are the people who you mirror, these are the ones who influence the person you are being. So, choose wisely.
By all means focus your energy on people with whom you can create a mutually positive, uplifting and supportive environment. Spend your time with people that see you, elevate you and that push and challenge you to shine brighter!
Don’t settle for less than that.
Choosing wisely looks like:
- Do I like who I am when with this person or group of people?
- Does this relationship help me discover and become more of myself or does it disconnect me further from who I am?
Note: Be careful with this one. We might fall into the collective belief that relationships are hard and that we need to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of commitment. Make sure you are being honest with yourself: do the challenges of this relationship bring you closer to your true self? Or do they dim your light?
If you feel people are holding you back on your own growth, by all means, say: “I love you. Thank you for everything“ and take some distance.
If it doesn’t help you grow let it go
We are constantly choosing with whom we relate and how we relate.
For example, we choose our love partner all the time: “I still want to be with you, as you are now”…. And/or how we relate to them: “I still want to be who I am in this relationship”. You choose and you decide. Don’t leave that responsibility on the other, the universe or faith. Own your choices!
Focus on seeing yourself, on choosing who you are being. Do it for your own sake. Not with the intention for the other to change; not to make a point; not to feel superior for behaving in one way or another.
Own your journey and respect that of the other. That is really empowering!
P.S. If you haven’t already done so, download for free and enjoy the e-book: How to achieve the habits you want?
