Here is a radically different tactic to communicate effectively.
Text in English
Video en Español (abajo)
Communication is a common challenge, so I know we can all benefit from some tips on conscious communication. Even when relationships end their cycle, there is no need for destruction. I find great peace in thinking I can keep my head straight when crossing anyone on the street. Don’t you?
Conscious communication allows us to address tough issues, taking care of our relationships. As my uncle Leo says: “be soft on the manner, hard on the matter”.
Here is a powerful technique I learned a few years ago on a course I took by Lisa Nichols (whom I love and admire). I’ve added my own tweaks after practising it regularly, so this is my take of what Lisa calls Care-frontation.
Confrontation has the I’m right you are wrong energy, it divides.
Care-frontation has the energy of solution, it unites.
When you must have any tough conversation, one of those no one wants to have, that makes you really uncomfortable, instead of avoiding it (hoping the issue will evaporate, which never happens) or running straight to a confrontation create a Care-frontation. Here is the exact step by step to do it:
Key rules to have a Care-frontation:
- Acknowledges the person/group you will have the conversation with.
- Makes a genuine request.
- Doesn’t make wrong.
- Creates real buy-in from parties involved.
Plan ahead:
1) Set the intention to complete the conversation with the relationship still intact or better.
2) Know what you want the end result to be: this conversation will be a success if….
3) Think of 2 things you genuinely value/respect/admire/love from the person/group you will talk to.
4) Get clear on the issue and on your need.
5) Get rid of anything that may make the others feel cornered, not enough, small, insufficient, incapable etc. This means releasing all energy of complaint, criticism or judgement. You may write it down, shout it to the pillow, talk it out on your own… Do whatever you need, but don’t bring it into the conversation. Not with your words, with your eyes or with your gestures. Leave all judgement at the door.
6) Expect the best from the others. If you anticipate the conversation will verify they are incompetent, don’t get you, won’t understand, etc… don’t even bother having the conversation. You are setting it up for failure. Your intention will be to prove their insufficiency, instead of addressing the matter. It would be a confrontation instead of a Care-frontation.
Conversations structure:
1) Acknowledge:
What I value/appreciate/respect/love about you is… (2 things you thought of).
Examples:
- I value all the learning opportunities this position offers
- I value your commitment to this project
- I respect the way you prioritize your family
- I admire your creativity
- I love how you bring joy to…
2) Connect:
And, ….. Never, ever, ever say BUT because it erases everything you said before.
3) Request:
I need your support with…
What would work better for me would be….
Examples:
- I need your support in making this project your priority,
- What would work best for me is for you to let me know when you need time off before I have to figure it out
- I need your support in letting me know when I’m not being clear.
Note: don’t improvise, use these exact words.
4) Conclude:
Can we have an agreement on…
Wait for the response.
Don’t continue talking assuming their response. Make a pause that makes it clear they can bring their arguments and have a choice to accept or not.
5) Listen deeply.
6) Repeat the agreement: Ok, so we agreed that…..
This way the conversation is completed with an agreement that honours your honest request, takes into account the other’s views and assures that all parties are on the same page.
7) If there is a breakdown in the future, you won’t address the mistake but the commitment.
Example:
I asked you to support me with XYZ and you agreed to that, so tell me, what I should have done differently?
I know this is not what we are used to. I understand that clearly stating what you need and making genuine requests instead of listing complaints and faults, involves a level of vulnerability we are not used to. It takes patience and practice but I assure you, the result will be of your liking.
You’ve got this!
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My intention this year is to share relevant content to bring your attention inwards and discover, nourish and develop your inner-power. I want to give you the most effective reflections and tools to help you choose and become who you want to be, instead of being in autopilot.
Here the links to the latest videos:
Identidad 2021 (Español)
Dissolving FEAR: a lesson from a solo hike in Kumano Kodo, Japan 2018 (English)
Autenticidad: Cómo avanzar hacia versiones más auténicas de ti? (Español)
