How to break patterns that no longer serve you?
“It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it”
Esther Perel
We can forever use the behaviors others have towards us to excuse our responses, reactions and stories, or we can take responsibility for the part we play and change how we relate to them.
As I explained on the last blog post we can’t change anyone and we shouldn’t try. But that does not mean we can’t break relationship patterns that no longer serve us.
Breaking patterns can go from shifting specific dynamics within a relationship to completely letting go of a relationship. This time, I’ll focus on the possibility of changing the way you relate with people you want to keep in your life: those who you love, bring value to your life and help you grow.
These are key steps to break a pattern:
1.Be willing to be the one who changes the pattern
First and most important is the honest desire to change the pattern. You may tell yourself you don’t want it anymore, but something unconsciously might still find it useful. So, ask yourself:
- What would I lose if I stop playing the role I’ve been playing? “The bad one”,”the good one”, “the victim”, “the savior”, “the powerless”, “the demanding one” etc.
- What would I lose if I stop pointing out the others as the reason for my responses? “They make me feel…” ; “They are always…”; “They don’t …..”,: “They never….”; “I have done all this internal work but they still….”, etc.
- What would I lose if I take responsibility for my part in this pattern?
Then be honest with yourself and decide if you are willing to let go of that “benefit” in order to change the pattern.
2. Recognize the past as it was and stop bringing it to the present moment.
Give up the desire of the past to have been any different. Accept it as it was and decide to move forward. This doesn’t mean you dismiss the past, or that any pain was not real. However, it does mean that you no longer bring any past toxicity into the now. Otherwise, it is the former heaviness which will be ruling the present relationship and that leaves no space to maneuver. This is simple but not easy, as we carry expectations, fear and need into all our relationships. Yet, if we have the true intention to let the past where it belongs, we’ll notice when it is playing in the now and choose not to let it in.
Still, if you are not yet ready to stop blaming and shaming the other, your answer to the main question in point 1 is: “NO. I’m not willing to be the one to change the pattern.” So, accept this until the pain of reproducing the pattern is greater than the distress of changing it.
3. Be curious about yourself
No one can “make you feel” anything. Their behavior is out of your control, but what happens inside you in response to their behavior is. Curiosity is the path to be able to control what happens inside you: What in me is perpetuating this pattern? What meaning am I giving to what happens? What story am I feeding? How does this make me feel? When have I felt this way before? Is this an old feeling rising up in now? The more you understand, the more you can notice what is actually happening. You can start challenging the autopilot meanings, interrupt destructive stories, ponder the emotion and, thus, begin choosing a response outside of the pattern.
4. Be curious about the other
We have mental images of who the other person is, about who we are and specially about who we are when interacting with that person. Without curiosity, the story between you and the other is fixed. Every time you interact, you’ll see the other through fixed expectations, anticipate their behavior, unconsciously embody your same roll and thus create the same dynamics. On the contrary, when we are open to see who the person is being in the present moment, we create space for the new. An opportunity to discover something about them and about us.
In longer relationships, you may think you know everything about the other. but if we don’t even know it all about ourselves, how can we know it about someone else? Maybe you know a lot, but there is always room to go deeper. When you stand from a place of curiosity, you see the other as they are in the present moment. That, gives you both, permission to be as you are being instead as of who you’ve been. Just give it a try!
5. Reframe your stories
Every relationship is a story. There is a narrative that goes inside all parties’ minds that goes beyond thoughts. It creates emotions and a consequent embodied experience. It is that story which sustains the roles and dynamics. So, once you decide to leave the past in the past, to be more curious about the other, and about the root of what gets triggered within you, the story of the relationship will shift.
When you question your stories, you take control of your experience and have the chance to create a space to interrupt your autopilot thought stream before you react. Then you can take actions that are in greater alignment with your truly desired outcomes.
6. Start taking action
Through points 1 to 5, you gain awareness and set your intention. Now, for things to evolve, action must be taken. Start making small changes by being more present to notice and interrupt your known reactions, choosing differently and going through the discomfort of playing an unknown role. Focus on responding in ways that make you feel better about yourself, regardless of the other: expanded, proud, grounded, true…. This is all about you.
Here are two things you can start doing:
When the pattern arises, make a pause to break the autopilot cycle (thoughts, meanings, feelings and reactions). Then, you can:
- Verify the story you are telling yourself by saying to the other: the story I’m telling myself is that… this is what I’m understanding from what you’re saying… when you do that, I interpret it as …. (For example: you don’t care about me, can’t stand me, think I’m stupid, want to leave, think I’m boring, etc.); Is that so?
And/or:
- Ask for what you need: can you please… (respond, look at me, not shout, don’t blame me, etc.….) because when you do that it triggers in me old feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, shame, guilt…) that go way back.
Try this! you will find many of your beliefs about people and relationships crumble into pieces.
7. Be kind to yourself
Don’t try to get this perfect or be hard on yourself if you fall back into old ways. Learn to bounce back faster and stay committed to shifting what no longer serves you.
It is through relationships that we get to know ourselves. We are “vehicles of transformation“ of one another. Welcome the journey and be grateful for those who cross your path. As Ram Dass said “We are walking each other home”.
P.S. If you haven’t already done so, download for free and enjoy the e-book: How to achieve the habits you want?
